Your child is likely to adjust better to living arrangement after separation or divorce if he feels like he’s had some input. So it’s a good idea to reassure your child that you’ll consider the living arrangements that he wants. You can even involve him in the discussions if you think he’s old enough.
Your child might worry that she has to make a choice that means pleasing one of you and hurting the other. It’s OK to reassure her and let her know that it’s not up to her to make the major decisions. It’s important for your child to know that living arrangements aren’t about who loves your child the most. Rather you need to base them on practical issues like who is at home most, lives closest to school or can get to after-school activities. Here are some tips to help you set up living arrangements that work well for your child, and support your child as he adjusts.
Organization
Let your child know who’ll take her to school, where she’ll sleep and how often she’ll see each of you. Keep basic clothing and personal items like underwear, toiletries, pyjamas and runners in each home. This way your child doesn’t have to remember to move everything between the two homes. If your child has a special blanket or toy, make sure your child takes it when going back and forth. This will help your child feel more secure.
To make things easier at packing time, help your child pack his bag or write a list of what he needs to take and stick it on the wall. Older children might need help planning what school books and homework to take.
A shared online calendar or app can be a great way to stay organised and communicate with your former partner about what’s coming up.
Two homes, two routines
Children can cope well with different routines in different houses, as long as the rules are clear and you keep things as predictable as possible. You might need to say something like, ‘When you’re here, we’ll do it this way’. Eventually your child will get used to the differences.
A ‘place for me’
Children need a place they can call their own and a space to store their things in both homes. Think outside the box a little. Find a way to give your child some ‘me space’, even if she doesn’t have her own bedroom. This space could be a cupboard for her toys, a beanbag, or a wall where she can put up her favourite pictures.
Listening
If your child is confused or anxious about moving between two homes, listen to what’s bothering him. You might need to talk to your former partner about the arrangements if they need changing to suit your child’s needs. If talking to your former partner isn’t possible, a counsellor or other professional might be able to help.
Flexibility
A consistent and predictable routine helps children feel secure, confident and happy. But as your child gets older, she’ll have extra school, social, sport and even part-time work commitments. This might make it harder for her to move from one house to another. You might need to adjust your arrangements to your child’s changing needs.
When going through a separation or divorce, the very best way to reduce conflict and to save money in the long run is to ensure that you can make the big decisions effectively with as much awareness, open communication and educational support where needed, as possible. I will help you to set realistic expectations by combining the very best data and my expertise. I am committed to being non-judgemental, supportive and transparent. I will never take sides, and truly want what is best for BOTH of you.
Because you have spent years, if not decades together, your lives are very intertwined, and this whole process needs to be handled with compassion, nurturing and understanding. I too have been where you are – and so I understand it
on a visceral level. I can also help to reduce conflict and overwhelm during this strenuous time because I have a vast amount of education in psychology for supporting couples during difficult transitions.
Please let me know how I can be of help to you. I know how stressful this all can be - and there are no questions too small. We can get you through this - together.
Contact Krista Lachapelle today (905) 251-9699.